Blog Archives

Sexy Beach Fast Food

There’s a lot of bizarre junk on the Apple App Store. This is a new find called Sexy Beach Fast Food. I can’t describe this any better than the official App description:

In Sexy beach fast food you’ll enjoy 64 restaurant levels, challenge stages across 8 mission. Prepare 30 different recipes, and upgrade your restaurants. While cooking all those tasty recipes, you get to serve many sexy customers. Have fun playing Sexy beach fast food, the time management cooking game for food lovers! The all of levels are free but it is locked, with collecting a gem during play each level or an in-game purchase available to unlock the all of level in all missions. Enjoy Sexy beach fast food , an amazing time management cooking game

DASH THROUGH 8 MISSIONS, cook in beautiful beach and sexy customers, complete 64 levels, and extra challenging time attack mode.

BECOME A CHEF, master your skills in this cooking game, and cook three star for your sexy customers.

RUN YOUR SUN SHINE DAY and serve food in a variety of fast food recipes in many beautiful beach.

COLLECT GEMS & buy decorations.

PLAY A TIME ATTACK MODE, to compete for the best score in the World Ranging Board!

There you have it. Make sexy food for sexy people. On a beach. Or something. I just wonder who the target audience is. Time management cooking games aren’t exactly the domain of the nerdy saddo that gets their kicks out of bug-eyed, big breasted Japanese schoolgirls in skimpy bikinis. And I can’t see your average hairdresser being into the knocker intrusion in their time management cooking game on their sun shine day. Who knows, who cares, but here’s some more of what you pervs are really interested in…

Steve Norman’s Top Ten Games of 2016

The majority of my limited gaming time this year seems to have been spent in last year’s The Witcher 3, which eventually got finished just before Christmas. Absolutely loved it but had had my fill after sixty hours. Also want to mention Until Dawn, which would have been near the top of last year’s top ten had I played it in time. I got my first platinum trophy with another favourite game from last year, Rocket League, and finally got to play and complete something even older when Grim Fandango appeared as a PS+ freebie. Here’s games that actually came out this year; it’s a bit mobile heavy, mainly thanks to the above, and moving to an almost medieval house with an equally medieval internet connection. 
  1. No Man’s Sky. It didn’t take me that long to work out that just beyond the technical marvels lies something very shallow, but as someone with very limited console gaming time, and no interest in cooperative or multiplayer play, this is pretty much all I want from a game. There’s a story of sorts if you want it, but the joy of this for me is making my own story at my own pace. Beautiful achievement. 
  2. Crashlands. This game knows exactly what’s fun about exploration, crafting and survival games, and lets you concentrate on the fun, rather than learning arduous systems or recipes. Really nice progression, whether you choose to follow the story, the side quests, or just enjoy mooching around for new stuff to make. I’ve literally lost hours and hours on this recently, usually stopping only to recharge the battery on my iPad. Incredible mobile gaming achievement. 
  3. Lego Dimensions Midway Arcade. Not strictly a game in its own right, and quite a bit different from the mass of other packs we’ve collected over the last year in that it’s as much of a retro gaming compilation as a standard level pack. And it includes some of my favourite games ever! 720, Spy Hunter, Toobin, Rampage, Super Sprint, Paperboy, Gauntlet… Unbelievable, as is the Lego Spy Hunter car, which I only wish I’d owned thirty years ago!
  4. Tomb of the Mask. This one came early in the year on iOS but I’m still playing it. It looks like a Spectrum game, plays like a casual mobile game, and like Downwell before if, is deceptively sophisticated and very addictive.
  5. Trackmania demo. That’s right, a PS4 demo has made if into my list! I’m sure had I felt the need to buy the game yet, the full version would be here instead, but I’m still more than happy dipping in and out of this, trying to better what I’ve done before and enjoying the insanely high speed, highly polished arcade racing. 
  6. Galaga Wars. Last year my high score craving was satisfied by Pac Man 256, and this year it’s another modern take on ancient history with this. Plays mostly like the original, albeit with a bit more freedom of movement, looks great, and employs a very fair and unobtrusive free to play model. Frantic and addictive. 
  7. PinOut. Fantastic endless pinball game on iOS. Mechanically it’s normal pinball, but you’re flipping the ball up the screen to the next set of flippers against the clock. A lot of fun, very addictive, and a special mention for the extremely stylish eighties-esque neon look
  8. Clash Royale. For a game I grew to hate after about twenty hours, I continued playing it for over one hundred more! The height of gaming addiction, and whilst I never spent a penny on it, I can fully appreciate it sitting at the top of Apple’s top grossing charts! 
  9. Atari Flashback Console. Okay, also not strictly a game, and I’ve only owned it for less than a week, but it’s endless Atari 2600 action in my filthy mitts! This is pure gaming history, and whilst of course there are duds in the sixty games pre-installed, the classics like Frogger, Missile Command, Centipede and Asterois deserve to be mentioned in top ten lists at every opportunity.
  10. Tricky Towers. A PS+ freebie in the summer, and one that probably has a permanent place on my PS4’s hard drive. Essentially Tetris, with frantic and fast-paced challenges in single player mode, but where it really shines is in local two player, where you race to build your tower to a certain height whilst trying to scupper your opponent’s. Great to play with the kids, though if you’re a past Tetris master just remember not to go too nuts for the first few goes!

Greatest Game Name on iOS! Zombie Goddess…

Zombie Goddess – Fantasy Apocalypse Game Attack Fight Slash Evil Slayer with Sword when Angry was unleashed on the App Store today. It features “the hot chick from Resident Evil without the guns” and you can turn on a “breast jiggle” feature. And it’s free!


Smartphone Lingerie

Bandai Japan (where else?) provides the ideal way to sex up you phone and / or keep its private parts private with these beauties!


Word Derby – NSFW Update

“Current update has a problem, we are working on a fix.”

What’s Chillingo’s problem? On the surface, this great word game in the guise of a horse race is logging you in as someone else; not the best for a freemium game because someone else is most likely logged in as you too and if you’re gullible enough to go for the in-app purchases then I guess they might just be spending them.

However, of more interest to me was my apparent new user name when I realised there was a problem and checked my profile…


Techno Kitten Adventure Meat Pack

Techno Kitten Adventure was, until very recently, the most insane game I’ve ever played in my 30+ years of gaming.

There’s a new pretender to its throne though… Techno Kitten Adventure Meat Pack!

This free update plumbs new depths of insanity, not only jumping the screen around as you fly through fields of meat to a disgraceful techno track, but also alternating between going backwards and forwards, which is a complete mindfuck!

The game is free to try for your iOS product on the App Store.

Now check out my grabs…





Phoenix HD – iOS Bullet Hell Cool

This is one of those genres that I’d love to get into more, but the fact is that ever since I fell for R-Type (and several of its less perhaps less frenetic predecessors, of course), I’ve never been that good at hardcore shoot ’em ups.

This one is free-to-play for iPhone and iPad, and is definitely worth a play. Over the top bullet hell action at sixty frames per second. Check out the couple of screen grabs I took below – and this is only a couple of minutes in!



Dodgy App of the Week: Sperminator Club

Here’s an unlikely iPhone app for Apple to approve! Just check out the App Store description!

Nightlife is very cool. Party, disco, full fly away. What else can dream if not about such a carefree life. Lot of communication, new friends, alcohol – all this leads to very interesting consequences …



Death Rally God

Despite having played video games since the VIC20 appeared, I’ve never really achieved a great deal; in fact, I didn’t even finish a game until Wolfenstein about twelve years ago.

So please indulge me with this screen grab from my iPad, showing my godlike status and 192% completion on the great top-down racer, Death Rally.

Maybe I should try playing other games for the same ridiculous amount of hours I did with this and I’d be great at them too. And imagine how good I could be at something that’s actually worthwhile!


Nude Girl and Witch

How can you resist an iPhone app with a name like Nude Girl and Witch?

If the name doesn’t tempt you, maybe the developer’s descriptive text, with mis-translations intact, may well do so… The first line is genius!

Beautiful nude princess and the ugly witch, which do you choose? Picked the right, there will be a perfect thing happend, if wrong, you should be very careful of yourself!

“Nude Girl & Witch” features hours of gameplay, challenging, and lots of replay value.

We’d like to take this opportunity to extend our infinite gratitude to friends of our “Nude Girl & Witch” everywhere. We thank you sincerely from the bottoms of our fluffy hearts for making “Nude Girl & Witch” the highest rated and best selling game ever on iTunes!

Combining outstanding gameplay, amazingly responsive controls and beautiful graphics, “Nude Girl & Witch” will be one of the most fun and original games on the App Store.

With loads of exciting and devilishly tricky gameplay, “Nude Girl & Witch” guarantees you many hours of fun.

Here’s a couple of screenshots.